


Oh no

by Shingucci



Series: The DBH Shitshow [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human
Genre: Actually no five mattresses, Alice is an innocent bean, Connor has no clue how to turn off notifications, Dammit why am I putting all these tags, Fluff, Gallons of it, Group chat, Nicknames, There’s enough fluff in here to stuff a mattress, but that's the point, everyone is incredibly ooc, luther is a massive goofball, messages, stupid jokes, this is a crackfic after all, well that’s what’s happening here, you know how people act totally different online?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-06-01 19:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 6,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15149996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shingucci/pseuds/Shingucci
Summary: The Detroit Become Human crew decides to start a group chat. Chaos quickly ensues. Shenanigans and weird shit, basically.~obviously a crackfic~





	1. Wtf north

North added Josh, Simon, Markus, Connor, Kara and Luther

North set Josh’s nickname to p3acE aNd lOv3

North set Simon’s nickname to gay4markus

North set Markus’s nickname to plasticprotestant

North set Connor’s nickname to RoboCop

North set Kara’s nickname to iSweeper

North set Luther’s nickname to omg guns

North set her own nickname to Bitch I’m Fabulous

p3acE aNd lOv3: wut why

Bitch I’m Fabulous: don’t question me

iSweeper: why just why

omg guns: ..?

plasticprotestant: North what the heck

RoboCop: I understand the reference but there is clearly no relation between the two of us.

gay4markus: 0//0 north no

Bitch I’m Fabulous: north YES

RoboCop: Hank’s calling, I need to go

plasticprotestant: I’m right beside you Connor you aren’t going anywhere

RoboCop: shit

gay4markus: why dafuq you lying, why you always lying

RoboCop: I only lie in absolutely necessary situations. This is one of them.

gay4markus: you’re doing it again

RoboCop: -_- This is incredibly inefficient!

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Yeah, deal with it!

p3acE aNd lOv3: I will be leaving now

RoboCop: So am I. Markus, you may NOT attempt to prevent me from leaving.

plasticprotestant: dammit bye


	2. Embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MORE THINGS.

p3acE aNd lOv3: hey guys i just got back from markus's place and i saw those yellow birds which led me to wonder

p3acE aNd lOv3: can animal androids become deviants? 

iSweeper: idk

iSweeper: Btw this is alice I stole moms phone

plasticprotestant: OH NO

plasticprotestant: ALICE DON'T LOOK AT THE CHAT HISTORY

omg guns: ALICE I KNEW IT

omg guns: I AM TELLING KARA RIGHT NOW

iSweeper: omg no please don't call momjsgshshshdgshshsshshskab

gay4markus: I'm assuming kara took the phone

RoboCop: It'd be much appreciated if you would stop blowing up my phone some of us have WORK that we need to get to

Bitch I'm Fabulous: Tough luck because we aint stopping anytime soon

RoboCop: I CAN'T TURN THE DAMN NOTIFICATIONS OFF

plasticprotestant: WOW

plasticprotestant: Cyberlife's most advanced prototype can't turn the notifs off on his phone

iSweeper: Alice is grounded 

iSweeper: NORTH

iSweeper: YOU HAD TO MAKE THOSE NICKNAMES

Bitch I'm Fabulous: Of course i did

RoboCop: Okay I am officially done with this I'm out

gay4markus: wait don't leave

p3acE aNd lOv3: bye too


	3. I'M AT WORK!!1!1!11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North and Simon have a heated discussion abour android animals. Connor is less than happy.

plasticprotestant: Josh idk if the birds can become deviants

p3acE aNd lOv3: Aw okay but if they were

p3acE aNd lOv3: They would be just like actual birds with a sense of free will

iSweeper: Thats actually kinda cool to think about :p

omg guns: Maybe we should get one

omg guns: we can bring it to u so you can wake it up

RoboCop: I'm at work!!

plasticprotestant: i'M aT w0rK!!11!!1!1

RoboCop: Damn it how do I turn off the notifs

Bitch I'm Fabulous: lmao you can't do it XD

Bitch I'm Fabulous: also animal androids can't deviate 

gay4markus: YES THEY CAN THEY'RE ANDROIDS TOO

Bitch I'm Fabulous: Yes but they're birds how are they supposed to know what the wall is or even how to break it

gay4markus: Screw you

RoboCop: CAN YOU SHUT UP?!

omg guns: sorry no 

omg guns: turn off the notifs

RoboCop: tUrN oFf thE nOtIfS

iSweeper: Connor can't figure out how to turn off his notifications hahahahah

RoboCop: -_- I DO however know how to put my phone on silent

RoboCop: So goodbye

iSweeper: Goddammit you woke Alice up from her beauty sleep

omg guns: She needs it the most out of all of us

iSweeper: I WILL FIGHT YOU ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ 

gay4markus: I'm leaving now


	4. Alice Learns a New Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon questions his nickname. Alice is quite interested.

gay4markus: sooo North why is this my nickname

Bitch I'm Fabulous: is it not obvious? 

iSweeper: gotta agree with North on this one you and Markus DO seem really close

RoboCop: Yes, you have been displaying... concerning.... amounts of affection for Markus. 

omg guns: hi it's alice again Luther left his phone :D

p3acE aNd lOv3: AHH DELETE THE CHAT HISTORY QUICK

omg guns: what does gay mean?

p3acE aNd lOv3: aaaand nevermind

gay4markus: it means happy bc im happy for markus!

omg guns: oh okay

iSweeper: Alice what did I tell you about that?!

omg guns has gone offline

(sorry mates this chapter is quite short :3)


	5. Connor has anger issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor thinks he's finally figured out how to turn off notifications. Naturally, he's dead wrong.

(Private Message between North and Josh)

North Pole: And that's how I hacked Connor's phone to make it impossible to turn off notifications, it only seems like you can but you really can't do it :P

Josh Joking: You, m'lady, are evil.

North Pole: Ikr. Let's get back to the group chat.

~

RoboCop: YES HAHAHAHA

RoboCop: I finally figured out how to turn off alerts!!!!!!!

p3acE aNd lOv3: good job ;)

Bitch I'm Fabulous: yeah good job ;)

p3acE aNd lOv3: ;)

Bitch I'm Fabulous: ;)

iSweeper: Can you stop doing that

plasticprotestant: Yeah it's kind of freaky

Bitch I'm Fabulous: jeez okay

RoboCop: Time to have a lovely day at work uninterrupted by a tsunami of notifications! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

p3acE aNd lOv3: okay, bye have fun!!

plasticprotestant: wanna talk about the android birds again?

gay4markus: you mean the ones that CAN BECOME DEVIANTS?

Bitch I'm Fabulous: NO THEY CAN'T FUCK OFF

{1 Hour Later}

RoboCop: FOR FUCK'S SAKE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A CASE AND MY PHONE IS LIGHTING UP LIKE THE SKY ON FUCKING NEW YEARS

RoboCop: I TURNED OFF THE FUCKING NOTIFICATIONS WHAT THE SHIT

iSweeper: Wow I don't think I've ever seen connor swear so much :0

omg guns: wow

RoboCop: GODDAMNIT I CAN'T EVEN PUT IT ON SILENT ANYMORE WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY

plasticprotestant: I'm not sure whether to laugh or be concerned

gay4markus: hell why not both

Bitch I'm Fabulous: ;)

p3acE aNd lOv3: ;)

RoboCop: Apologies for swearing, guess I'm destined to hear your texts forever. We found the body. I'll be back in a bit

plasticprotestant: ;)

iSweeper: ;)

gay4markus: ;)

omg guns: ;)

p3acE aNd lOv3: ;)

Bitch I'm Fabulous: ;)


	6. Markus and Simon Deal With Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus decides to read past messages. This is not exactly good news for Simon.

gay4markus: Right so I’m going now

RoboCop: This better be good everyone at the DPD is wondering why I’m looking at my phone and laughing like a madman instead of working on case files

plasticprotestant: You literally just had a discussion about why Simon is gay for me..?

RoboCop: Okay this is definitely going to be worth it

RoboCop: I’ll be getting stares for days but it’s definitely worth it

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Yep this is going to be good

plasticprotestant: CONNOR WHY

plasticprotestant: KARA HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

iSweeper: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

gay4markus: ok I'm back

gay4markus: OMG NO

gay4markus: NO NO NONONONONONONOOOOOOOO

gay4markus has gone offline

RoboCop: Every damn officer in the station is watching me laugh my ass off but it's so worth it

plasticprotestant: Right so I need to discuss a few things with Simon I'm going to be back in a bit

p3acE aNd lOv3: Hi what's going on

p3acE aNd lOv3: OMG WAIT BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE

p3acE aNd lOv3: okie I have the popcorn carry on

omg guns: wow

omg guns: josh are you going to share that popcorn 

iSweeper: I SWEAR TO RA9 IF ALICE SEES THIS

RoboCop: Dammit lunch break's over ;-; I'll try to stay updated with the drama I have to leave now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's finally delivering on the Simon/Markus tag.


	7. Markus and Simon Deal With Things: Volume Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

gay4markus: Guys is Markus online

RoboCop: No. Why?

gay4markus: Well...

iSweeper: DID IT HAPPEN?

gay4markus: We had a little talk last night

iSweeper: OH GOD IT HAPPENED

RoboCop: HAHAHAHAHA YES

omg guns: It h a p p e n e d

gay4markus: I suppose we’re dating now

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Hi. what did I miss

Bitch I’m Fabulous: I MISSED A LOT

p3acE aNd lOv3: We’re happy for you Simon!

RoboCop: Hank’s giving me weird looks hold on I’m going to head to my room for a bit

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Hold on gotta do something real quick :3

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Simon’s nickname to I<3Markus

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Markus’s nickname to I<3Simon

Bitch I’m Fabulous: That’s much better

I<3Simon: I see you told them.

I<3Markus: Yup <3

omg guns: gay

iSweeper: so gay

RoboCop: Can I get a 

RoboCop: G

RoboCop: A

RoboCop: Y

p3acE aNd lOv3: G A Y 

iSweeper: When’s the first date?

I<3Markus: I dunno actually any ideas?

I<3Simon: wanna go to Carl’s art gallery? Or maybe you can come to my house and we’ll paint or something?

I<3Markus: Sounds great <3

RoboCop: Excuse me, you aren't the only ones participating in this conversation 

Bitch I'm Fabulous: Yeah go talk about your date plans in private chat unless you want us reading

omg guns: Alice had better not read this

iSweeper: Yeah well I have to tell her eventually


	8. Battle for Detroi- I mean, the group chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An outside force takes control of the chat.

@amanda_stern has logged in

RoboCop: SHIT NO

RoboCop: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Bitch I’m Fabulous set @amanda_stern’s nickname to Psychotic Control Freak

Psychotic Control Freak: Connor, what is this? I am disappointed in you. You’re going to be sent back to CyberLife for deactivation and disassembly.

RoboCop: This is Hank. Why is Connor on the floor flipping the fuck out?

RoboCop: Oh.

RoboCop has removed @amanda_stern from the group chat.

@amanda_stern has joined the chat

Psychotic Control Freak: You can’t remove me. I am a virus, an AI specifically designed to terminate this.

plasticprotestant: Watch me bitch

plasticprotestant has kicked @amanda_stern from the chat

plasticprotestant: Okay uh everyone block her

@amanda_stern has joined the chat

Psychotic Control Freak: What did I tell you? None of this would have happened if you had just been good androids who followed their instructions. I’m going to begin deleting the chat now.

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Not if I can help it  
[INSTALLING FIREWALL SOFTWARE]  
[DOWNLOAD 100% complete]

Bitch I’m Fabulous has removed @amanda_stern from the chat

@amanda_stern has joined the chat 

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Fuck

plasticprotestant: hold on a sec

[VIRUS TERMINATED]

plasticprotestant: Okay should be good

RoboCop: We really should implement security measures here, I’ll work on it.

p3acE aNd lOv3: Well that happened

iSweeper: I’m just going to back away and finish making spaghetti for Alice

omg guns: speaking of that where IS Alice?

iSweeper: Wait you mean she isn’t with you

RoboCop: Care to explain why Alice is at my door asking to use my phone to message you?

iSweeper: I AM COMING THE FUCK OVER RIGHT NOW. CONNOR TELL HER SHE’S GROUNDED


	9. Pickup Line War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the title.

I<3Simon: Hey Simon

I<3Markus: yes?

I<3Simon: can I follow you home? Carl always told me to follow my dreams

I<3Markus: aww sure

I<3Markus: I was wondering if anyone had an extra heart bc you just stole mine

RoboCop: it’s 2 AM why are you doing this

iSweeper: Ooh let’s join in

iSweeper: Hey Luther

iSweeper: Are you a boxer? Because I think you’re a knockout!

omg guns: oh thanks kara 

omg guns: Connor I need you to arrest her bc it’s illegal to look that good

RoboCop: This is just stupid

Bitch I’m Fabulous: oh oh I have one

Bitch I’m Fabulous: there must be something wrong with my optical units, they only seem to want to focus on you

p3acE aNd lOv3: You must be French bc Eiffel for you

RoboCop: Well if I must get involved

RoboCop: Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Bitch I’m Fabulous: calm down there Connor

omg guns: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

iSweeper: wHY IS THERE A LENNY FACE HERE


	10. 3 AM Thoughts

I<3Markus: hey guys do crabs think fish can fly?

iSweeper: simon it’s 3AM is this really important 

I<3Markus: I was thinking too much to go into standby

Bitch I’m Fabulous: you can think?!

omg guns: BURN

I<3Markus: You can, too?!

omg guns: DOUBLE BURN

I<3Simon: wrap it up guys it’s time to rest! At least Connor isn’t doing this

RoboCop: What did I miss?

I<3Simon: never mind 

RoboCop: At least Josh isn’t here

p3acE aNd lOv3: hi

I<3Simon: WHY ARE YOU ALL UP IT’S 3:26 AM

iSweeper: can’t one stay up as long as they wish?

I<3Simon: Well you can, but

iSweeper: then that settles it

I<3Simon: >:T

Bitch I’m Fabulous: dID THE ALMIGHTY ROBOJESUS JUST USE AN EMOJI

RoboCop: Well we’re all up now, so we might as well talk

omg guns: as to your question Simon, I don’t know if they do but Connor has a whole fucking database ask him

I<3Markus: so Connor..?

RoboCop: my database doesn’t contain that type of information Simon just use google you literally have it inside you

I<3Markus: I suddenly had a bout of unmotivation when typing ‘crabs’ into the search bar I suppose I’ll just live my life not knowing 

I<3Simon: all of you are idiots

iSweeper: I know right

I<3Simon: that includes you Kara

iSweeper: ( ง ᵒ̌皿ᵒ̌)ง

p3acE aNd lOv3: no need to get violent!

Bitch I'm Fabulous: it's a joke josh 

Bitch I'm Fabulous: jeez you really live up to your nickname


	11. Why?

Bitch I'm Fabulous: hey connor hit us with some more of your pickup lines that last one was a killer

RoboCop: er okay

I<3Simon: guys I'm sitting next to him he's googling good pickup lines

RoboCop: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A THING

I<3Simon: It's true

RoboCop: I'm NOT!

iSweeper: okay wow

Bitch I'm Fabulous: Jeez Connor you could have just said no

omg guns: his poor ego

Bitch I'm Fabulous set the chat name to Bullying RK800 for Dummies

p3acE aNd lOv3: north that isn't nice

Bitch I'm Fabulous: fuck okay

Bitch I'm Fabulous set the chat name to weird shit

RoboCop: :(

iSweeper: shh it's okay connor :p

RoboCop: I don't understand

omg guns: as if we do

I<3Markus: I finally googled crabs and I came across this video

I<3Markus: Connor I need an explanation 

RoboCop: iF THIS IS ABOUT THR CRAB HOOKER VIDEO I’M NOT GOING TO-

RoboCop has gone offline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I'm not going to be updating ANY of my stories on weekends, just letting you know in advance. What silly shit does the next chapter hold?


	12. Shenanigans

I<3Markus: hey hey I had a date with markus we went to this fine dining place for androids and they served crabs

Bitch I'm Fabulous: are you going to do what I think you're going to do

I<3Markus: and guess how much they cost

iSweeper: CONNOR HIDE

I<3Markus: 7 0 0 D O L L A R S F O R T H E C R A B S

omg guns: honestly I'm not surprised 

RoboCop: why

RoboCop: do

RoboCop: you

RoboCop: do

RoboCop: this

RoboCop: to

RoboCop: me

p3acE aNd lOv3: well admittedly it's really funny

Bitch I'm Fabulous: even Josh is getting into it

p3acE aNd lOv3: that's not what I said north

iSweeper: Connor we're sorry

iSweeper: or are we?

omg guns: probably not

RoboCop: *puppy eyes*

I<3Simon: MY OPTICAL UNITS ARE MELTING HELPPPPPP

omg guns: connor put the eyes away please


	13. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m awful at summaries. How do I summarize pure bullshit?

RoboCop: It’s Saturday

iSweeper: I’m planning to just message yall and sleep. Wbu?

RoboCop: I have to do case files :/

Bitch I’m Fabulous: We have this peace summit with the hoomans

I<3Simon: Are you a cat now

RoboCop: Probably

I<3Simon: But yee, we do have a peace summit

omg guns: did you just say Y E E

iSweeper: HE DID

RoboCop: Either he did it intentionally or it was a typing error

p3acE aNd lOv3: Guys can I add Lucy

Bitch I’m Fabulous: go ahead

p3acE aNd lOv3 added Lucy

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Lucy’s name to Wire Oracle

Wire Oracle: I just read the chat history and you all need mental help

RoboCop: AMEN TO THAT

Wire Oracle: .....

iSweeper: Lucy mate don’t be such a killjoy :)

Wire Oracle has gone offline

 

•One Hour Later•

 

Wire Oracle: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

Wire Oracle: I was mean to to help mental patients but I don’t think even I can help y’all 

I<3Markus: But Lucy-

Wire Oracle: CRAB HOOKERS!?!

Wire Oracle: You let A L I C E be here?!

Bitch I’m Fabulous: LUCY CHILL

Wire Oracle: NO

Wire Oracle: ...

iSweeper: Lucy just calm down, you find it funny eventually

omg guns: she’s right

omg guns: you get sucked into the group chat the same way Connor here got sucked into deviancy


	14. Rehabilitation (Or So She Thought)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy's doing her best.

Wire Oracle: Hello! :)

Bitch I'm Fabulous: wow you're cheerful today

RoboCop: I analyzed her message. She is attempting to fix us mentally.

omg guns: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

omg guns: GOOD FUCCING LUCK LUCY

iSweeper: apparently rehabilitation programs start at 5 in the morning now

Wire Oracle: Would anyone like to share some of the happy thoughts they've had this morning?

Bitch I'm Fabulous: I was S W I M M I N G in happy thoughts until you messaged

RoboCop: what she said ^

iSweeper: why

RoboCop: Hey can I add Detective Reed

Bitch I'm Fabulous: you mean that twat who called me a whore when I visited the dpd?

Bitch I'm Fabulous: keep dreaming connor

iSweeper: why would you even think of adding him

RoboCop: I have stupid ideas too, okay?!

I<3Simon: ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED

RoboCop: ?

I<3Simon: Carl taught me that apparently it was a 'meme' back in 2017

Wire Oracle: so who would like to tell us about their favorite color?

Bitch I'm Fabulous: LUCY WE AREN'T CHILDREN

Wire Oracle: Then fucking act like it!

I<3Markus: Did Lucy just s w e a r

RoboCop: This group chat really brings out the worst in everyone 

I<3Simon: Ain't that the truth

omg guns: yeah

iSweeper: if alice reads this I will cut your heads off


	15. Special Note

Okay. Wow. 200 kudos and 2500+ hits! Thank you all so much, I’ve never had this much hits before. I’m thinking of doing a special group chat chapter. Okay, so what I’m thinking of doing is:

Send me some characters. OCs, canon DBH characters not already in the chat, whatever! Tell me about them and if they’re OCs, tell me what you’d like their group chat name to be. The characters are just going to have one chapter to talk, argue, and just do whatever! Thanks for all these hits and kudos. ^^


	16. Special Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You requested characters. I delivered. This isn’t related to the actual plot (if you can even call it that). Fourth wall breaks, I warn ya.

RK900 has joined

@ElijahKamski has joined

Chloe has joined

Daniel has joined

Ralph has joined

@Hank_Anderson has joined

@GavinReed has joined

Bitch I’m Fabulous: woah new people anyway first order of business

Bitch I’m Fabulous set RK900’s name to Wait which one’s our Connor?

Bitch I’m Fabulous set @Hank_Anderson’s name to hanky panky

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Chloe’s name to kamskiwaifu

Bitch I’m Fabulous set @ElijahKamski’s name to Kam-skiing

Bitch I’m Fabulous set @GavinReed’s name to Fuckthisguy

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Daniel’s name to Not Simon

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Ralph’s name to S U C C U L E N T

Fuckthisguy: Really?

RoboCop: That’s one name we can all agree is accurate..

Not Simon:..........

S U C C U L E N T: Ralph does not understand his nickname.

kamskiwaifu: What is this?

hanky panky: Alright you fuckers how do I change nicknames

Wait which one’s our Connor?: I have no words.

hanky panky: hEY LOOK IT’S THAT PRICK WHO TRIED TO REPLACE YOU

Kam-skiing: First of all RK900 is just upgraded Connor, second people think he and Reed are a nice couple

Fuckthisguy: !!!

RoboCop: They’re not wrong

S U C C U L E N T: Ralph agrees.

Wait which one’s our Connor?: Okay, no thank you

kamskiwaifu: Help me think of a ship name

Not Simon: Prick900?

Fuckthisguy: Come on man

omg guns: Shut up wanker you aren’t even supposed to be here

iSweeper: Amen to that

Kam-skiing: Stop insulting my newest creation

I<3Markus: There’s this saying that goes

I<3Markus: Like father, like son

I<3Simon: I guess it could apply to RK900 and Kamski..

Fuckthisguy: Please no

hanky panky: BITCH WHEN YOU POURED COFFEE DOWN CON’S BACK THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID AND YOU DIDN’T FUCKING LISTEN

RoboCop: :3

Not Simon: I have a better one

Not Simon: Dickwad900

S UC C U L E N T: Ralph thinks Asshat900 would be a better fit.

iSweeper: Kara agrees very much.

omg guns: Luther seconds that motion.

hanky panky: Hank thinks all of you are idiots.

kamskiwaifu: Chloe wishes we would all stop talking in third person.

Fuckthisguy: Why?

Wire Oracle: It’s fun

Wire Oracle: Better than therapy, honestly 

p3acE aNd lOv3: See, Lucy gets it

kamskiwaifu: It is kinda funny

Kam-skiing: Yeah, honestly

Fuckthisguy: not when you’re the one whose ass is getting roasted 

@Toxic_Child_Hiyoko has joined

@Toxic_Child_Hiyoko set her name to Hiyo

Hiyo: wrap it up motherfuckers

Hiyo has removed @ElijahKamski, @GavinReed, @Hank_Anderson, Chloe, Daniel, RK900 and Ralph from the group

Hiyo has left the group


	17. holy shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More.

Bitch I’m Fabulous: hi

RoboCop: Do my eyes deceive me? Have you finally decided to not message the group chat absurdly early in the morning?

iSweeper: Yep she has

Wire Oracle: Wow, huge achievement

I<3Markus: Amazing

p3acE aNd lOv3: Woah

I<3Simon: Good morning to y’all

omg guns: wanna have a yo mama smack down?

Wire Oracle: aaaand the normalcy of the situation flies out the window

RoboCop: but normalcy isn’t a tangible thing

iSweeper: shh Connor appreciate the joke

omg guns: yo mama so short that no matter how much red ice she takes she can’t get high

Bitch I’m Fabulous: yo mama so fat she puts on perfume with a crop duster

iSweeper: SNAP

Wire Oracle: fuck uh

Wire Oracle: yo mama so fat that when I swerved to avoid her in the street I ran out of gas

I<3Markus: damn Lucy

I<3Simon: yo mama so stupid she stared at a jug of orange juice for 12 hours because it said concentrate 

Wire Oracle: *clap clap*

RoboCop: yo mama so fat she doesn’t need the internet because she’s already world wide 

I<3Markus: uh hold on

I<3Markus: yo mama so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side

iSweeper: Yo mama so stupid she put a ruler in her bed to see how long she slept!

omg guns: NICE ONE KARA

p3acE aNd lOv3: Yo mama so ugly she scared the shit out of the toilet

Bitch I’m Fabulous: DAMN JOSH 

Bitch I’m Fabulous: Never thought you had it in you

Bitch I’m Fabulous: yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa into stone

iSweeper: Marveloos


	18. Yo Mama Jokes: Part Two!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yep.

Bitch I'm Fabulous: HI

RoboCop: Remember last time I thanked you for not messaging absurdly early?

Bitch I'm Fabulous: ye why

RoboCop: I TAKE IT BACK IT'S 4AM WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS

iSweeper: it's partially our fault for being up, though

RoboCop: Well I WAS checking out some case files so I guess so

omg guns: that yo mama tournament was fun wanna do it again

Wire Oracle: fuck yeah

I<3Simon: yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it

I<3Markus: pfft fuck you mine's better

I<3Markus: yo mama so fat even dora can't explore her

RoboCop: you're both wrong mine's better

RoboCop: Yo mama so ugly, her portraits hang themselves!

omg guns: shit connor that was cold

iSweeper: yo mama so fat when she skips a meal the stockmarket drops

Wire Oracle: yo mama so poor she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list

I<3Simon: DAMN LUCY

I<3Markus: What happened to the nice android doctor you once were

Wire Oracle: make a guess

RoboCop: This dumb group chat?

Wire Oracle: DING DING MOTHERFUCKERS

iSweeper: Lucy's right it rots your brains

omg guns: back to the tournament

omg guns: yo mama so poor she can't even afford to pay attention

RoboCop: fuck you all I have to do case files so goodbye


	19. RK900 gets dragged in

Nines has joined the chat

 

Nines: I'm the android sent by Amanda to get rid of this dangerous group chat

omg guns: m8 read the chat history

RoboCop: ....

Nines: what the fuck

Nines: can I join 

I<3Simon: yee sure

Bitch I'm Fabulous: umm ok

Nines: fuck off amanda I wanna join this memebase

RoboCop: same 

Wire Oracle: buddy ya came a bit late

Nines: shit the yo mama fight looked fun

RoboCop: just a heads up north likes messaging really early in the morning

RoboCop: I just gave up on turning off notifs

Nines: damn okay

iSweeper: and north is queen here in the chat

Bitch I'm Fabulous: yep and we need to give you a nickname

Bitch I'm Fabulous set Nines's name to Conn-terpart

omg guns: WOW NORTH

Later..

Amanda: Did you just deviate over a group chat

Nines: damn right I did

Amanda has blocked Nines


	20. Tyranny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North is done.

Bitch I’m Fabulous set the chat name to North is the Queen 

RoboCop: no you’re not medieval titles don’t exist anymore

Bitch I’m Fabulous: shut up jackass

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Connor’s name to Wikipedia 

Wikipedia: ???

p3acE aNd lOv3: north please don’t 

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Josh’s name to H I P P I E

H I P P I E: North, seriously 

I<3Simon: Come on North don’t-

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Markus’s name to I AM GAY

I<3Markus: Stop!

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Simon’s name to GAY 2.0

iSweeper: North this isn’t funny anymore

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Kara’s name to A FUCKING VACCUM CLEANER

omg guns: ...

Conn-terpart: What’s going on here?

A FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER: North’s giving us stupid nicknames

Bitch I’m Fabulous set Nines’s name to Upgraded Asshole

Upgraded Asshole: I see.

I AM GAY: North, stop this madness

Bitch I’m Fabulous set her own name to The North Star

The North Star: You shall address me as Queen North

A FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER: Fuck off

GAY 2.0: okay, I’m leaving good luck


	21. Tyranny: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ..Yeah.

A FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER: WHY

Wire Oracle: holy shit lmao I’m glad I wasn’t online

The North Star: YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE ME

Wire Oracle: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

The North Star set Lucy’s name to spaghetti head

omg guns: That’s honestly pretty mean

The North Star: since when do I care

The North Star set Luther’s name to fuck I can’t think of an insult

fuck I can’t think of an insult: real creative north

The North Star: stfu

The North Star set Luther’s name to dickweed 

dickweed: touché

Wikipedia: and so the reign of Queen North begins

I AM GAY: indeed.

A FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER: We’re in for a long ride..

dickweed: yep

Upgraded Asshole: agreed

H I P P I E: North used way too much caps lock when making our nicknames

GAY 2.0: yup you’re right lmao 

spaghetti head: I see destruction in the future of this chat 

dickweed: you’re not wrong Lucy

The North Star: Okay peasants stop questioning your chosen titles and s e r v e m e

Wikipedia: no fuck you

The North Star: T R E A S O N

I AM GAY: yep we’re starting yet another revolution


	22. The Fall of the Northern Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Second Revolution.

The North Star: Serve your queen.

Wikipedia: how about no

I AM GAY: I'd rather not, Your Bitchiness.

The North Star: I shall have you hanged

Upgraded Asshole: What is this, Revolution-era France?

A FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER: It will be, very soon.

dickweed: what she said ^

The North Star: I will have none of that in my good RA9 group chat

Wikipedia: ...was that a meme reference

dickweed: it was

Upgraded Asshole: I think I can hack the chat just hold on

The North Star: TREASON

A FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER: eh I'm fairly sure the names Nines chooses for us will be okay

Upgraded Asshole has set North's name to one woman army

Upgraded Asshole has set Connor's name to puppy-eyes

Upgraded Asshole has set Kara's name to she protecc she attacc she got alice's bacc

Upgraded Asshole has set Luther's name to do u even lift bro

Upgraded Asshole has set Markus's name to If found, please return to Simon

Upgraded Asshole has set Simon's name to If found, please return to Markus

Upgraded Asshole has set Lucy's name to Magic 8 Ball

Upgraded Asshole has set his own name to No I'm Not Connor

she protecc she attacc she got alice's bacc: Whoo okay those names are okay

Magic 8 Ball: Connor's name is so accurate 

puppy-eyes: ...

one woman army: dude mine is literally just a DR reference

No I'm Not Connor: DR is the shit

If found, please return to Simon: Wow okay

No I'm Not Connor: My work here is done.


	23. Sorry, Markus!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of you suggested this. You know who you are.

If found, return to Simon: that was great <3 can’t wait for next time I really wanna do that again

If found, return to Markus: awww ty but when

If found, return to Simon: as soon as possible! That was the best sex ever

If found, return to Simon: also why is your name...? I thought it was only in the group chat

she protecc she attacc she got alice’s bacc: think about it markus 

puppy-eyes: HAHAHAHAHAHA WRONG CHAT LOVEBIRDS

Magic 8 Ball: I foresaw this, but it’s even funnier in person!

If found, return to Simon: S H I T

No I’m Not Connor: this is... amusing.....

one woman army: YOU FUCKED?!

If found, return to Markus: m a y b e.....

one woman army: Y E S !

H I P P I E: uh Nines you forgot to change my name

No I’m Not Connor: Hiyo couldn’t think of a name for you, so your name is staying the same

@Toxic_Child_Hiyoko has joined the chat

Hiyo: no fourth wall breaks, assholes

No I’m Not Connor: right, sorry, sorry

[MESSAGE DELETED]

H I P P I E: :(

No I’m Not Connor: sorry josh :(


	24. W H A T

puppy-eyes: hoi 

Magic 8 Ball: You said you hate messaging at 4am you hypocrite 

puppy-eyes: I’m doing case files and it’s painfully boring 

If found, return to Simon: eh I wish I could say I relate but I can’t 

do u even lift bro: YOU USED ‘I’ 4 TIMES IN THAT SENTENCE.

If found, return to Simon: STFU GRAMMAR NAZI

do u even lift bro: I CAN BENCH PRESS YOU

If found, return to Simon: BUT CAN YOU LEAD A REVOLUTION 

do u even lift bro: I CAN LEAD A REVOLUTION WITHOUT BUSTING BOTH LEGS

she protecc she attacc she got alice’s bacc: break it up boys

do u even lift bro: As if

If found, return to Simon: SHADDUP YOU WARMONGERING TWAT

do u even lift bro: do you even know what that means

puppy-eyes: can you shit nuggets cool it

Magic 8 Ball: no they can’t 

she protecc she attacc she got alice’s bacc: this will clearly not end well 

If found, return to Markus: I was woken up by the absurd amount of notifications 

No I’m Not Connor: What exactly is happening here

puppy-eyes: Luther and Markus decided to duke it out

No I’m Not Connor: screw you all i’m going back to sleep


	25. WE NEED HELP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back

Psychotic Control Freak: Hello.

puppy-eyes: AAAAAAHHHHHHH KILL IT BEFORE IT MULTIPLIES 

she protecc she attacc she got alice's bacc: this won't end well

Psychotic Control Freak: Nines, I see you've failed your mission.

No I'm Not Connor: you bet bitch

If found, return to Simon: Nines, can you remove her?

No I'm Not Connor: I can't

No I'm Not Connor: I didn't create the chat, so some commands are locked the only way is to transfer control back to north

puppy-eyes: just do it it's the lesser of two evils

No I'm Not Connor: k

one woman army has been granted moderator status

one woman army: Nice to be back

one woman army has removed Psychotic Control Freak from the chat

one woman army: I think this calls for a name change

one woman army has changed her own name to Queen of the North

Queen of the North has set Connor's name to LICK ME DADDY

LICK ME DADDY: WHAT THE FUCK

Queen of the North: :D

Queen of the North has set Lucy's name to fortune cookie

Queen of the North has set Nines's name to Connor, but gay for Gavin

Connor, but gay for Gavin: W H Y

Queen of the North has set Kara's name to Advanced Vacuum Cleaner

Queen of the North has set Luther's name to ripped boi

Queen of the North has set Markus's name to Robot Jayzus

Queen of the North has set Simon's name to hopeless romantic

Queen of the North has set Josh's name to dIaLoGuE iS tHe OnLy wAy

Queen of the North: My work here is done.


	26. nines is not happy

LICK ME DADDY: north I swear if you don’t change these nicknames

Queen of the North: I think not

fortune cookie: I can see why though

Robot Jayzus: josh is breaking things he hates his nickname

Queen of the North: jeez okay

Queen of the North has set Josh’s name to d i a l o g u e

d i a l o g u e: Better

hopeless romantic: Markus did you sit on sugar? Because that ass is sweet

LICK ME DADDY: We’re doing this again?

LICK ME DADDY: hi yes uh Cupid called he needs my heart back

Robot Jayzus: Yo Simon 

Robot Jayzus: It’s so hot in here. Must be because of you

fortune cookie: no

fortune cookie: never again

hopeless romantic: it's not that bad lucy

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: it is trust me

Connor, but gay for Gavin: Please kill me now

Queen of the North has set Nines's nickname to mrs reed

mrs reed: fuck you


	27. yay

Queen of the North: GUYS GUYS

Robot Jayzus: RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

fortune cookie: ?

hopeless romantic: she discovered spongebob memes prepare to be spammed

mrs reed: ...

mrs reed: also change my fucking user name you dicks

LICK ME DADDY: We love you too, Nines!

Queen of the North: oh no it no send

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: H A L L E L U J A H

ripped boi: uhh

Queen of the North: STFU YOU DICKWADS

Queen of the North: I'M TRYING TO SHARE THE MEME BLESSINGS BUT NO

LICK ME DADDY: WELL SURPRISINGLY WE DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING MEMES

mrs reed: WHY ARE WE ALL SCREAMING

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: yall my internal messaging system reads the messages out loud and right now it sounds like an angry pterodactyl

ripped boi: *DEMONIC SCREECHING INTENSIFIES*

hopeless romantic: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU

fortune cookie: the demonic power is too strong simon

LICK ME DADDY: jesus fucking christ


	28. Kara kicks North’s ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m back

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: OI CUNT

Queen of the North: WHAT IS IT

Queen of the North: ALSO I’M NOT A CUNT YOU DICKSUCKING PUSSYFUCK

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: YOU’RE GONNA GET YOUR ASS KICKED YA BITCH

ripped boi: please turn off caps lock both of you

LICK ME DADDY: Luther it’s no use

ripped boi: Kara is currently violently PMing north and oh uhh they’re saying some disturbing shit

Queen of the North: hi yes I have returned from kicking Kara’s ass

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: AS IF

Queen of the North: BITCH I SWEAR

mrs reed: what are you guys even fighting about

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: we are fighting because NORTH is a CUNT

Queen of the North: and KARA is a BITCH

mrs reed: Wow. How specific

fortune cookie: this is absolute bullshit

LICK ME DADDY: tell me about it


	29. Oof

LICK ME DADDY: uh shit

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: what do you mean, ‘uh shit’? ‘Uh shit’ is never good

LICK ME DADDY: NORTH GOT AHOLD OF THE CRAB HOOKER REMIX AND SHE’S GOING TO—

Robot Jayzus: Connor, I am so sorry 

Robot Jayzus: I TRIED TO STOP HER

hopeless romantic: WELL YOU FAILED

ripped boi: uh care to explain

LICK ME DADDY: north got ahold of the crab hooker remix and she hacked the TVs and broadcasted it

mrs reed: oh uh

mrs reed: I can t r y getting rid of the broadcast

LICK ME DADDY: please do

fortune cookie: YEAH

d i a l o g u e: Lucy..?

fortune cookie: I’M CRABBY

fortune cookie: AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

LICK ME DADDY: nope nope nope nope 

fortune cookie: CUZ I HAVE CRABS

fortune cookie: THAT’S RIGHT

fortune cookie: I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ALL FUN AND GAMES TO GO TO MEXICO AND HAVE SEX WITH A HOOKER NAMED LOS CONGREJOS

LICK ME DADDY has gone offline


	30. Robodicks

Queen of the North: Connor, do you have a dick?

hopeless romantic: NORTH WHAT THE FUCK

LICK ME DADDY: Uhhhhhh 

mrs reed: The RK series does not have functional... uh.. weenies. We have Ken doll dicks.

Robot Jayzus: North, do you have a vagina?

Queen of the North: Touché 

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: I just woke up why are we talking about this

fortune cookie: They can’t help it

d i a l o g u e: bless their fucked up minds

ripped boi: I don’t know whether to laugh or be disgusted

hopeless romantic: HEY LUTHER

hopeless romantic: Do *you* have a dick?

ripped boi has gone offline

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: great fuckin job Simon you scared him off

hopeless romantic: DON’T KILL ME AAAAAAAHHHHH

Queen of the North: that’s Kara you’re talking to she won’t kill you

Advanced Vacuum Cleaner: damn right she will

Robot Jayzus: Simon, run


	31. How Could You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh

Queen of the North: yall lets play a game

Queen of the North has set Connor's nickname to Blank

Queen of the North has set Markus's nickname to Blank

Queen of the North has set her own nickname to Blank

Blank has set Kara's nickname to Blank 

Blank has set Luther's nickname to Blank 

Blank has set Nines's nickname to Blank

Blank has set Simon's nickname to Blank 

Blank has set Josh's nickname to Blank 

Blank has set Lucy's nickname to Blank 

Blank has set her own nickname to North :)

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Goes Out For Karaoke On A Daily Basis

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Likes The Taste Of Thirium 

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Thinks Everyone Here Is Incredibly Stupid

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Got Trapped In A Washing Machine For 6 Hours

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Ingested 13 Bottles Of Toothpaste On A Dare

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Secretly Gives A Shit About People

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Punched Connor Once

North :) has set Blank's nickname to Lies About Predictions To Mess With People

North :): Good luck 

North :) has gone offline


	32. New World Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year.

Ingested 13 Bottles Of Toothpaste On A Dare: Okay, this is just concerning. How does North know this shit?!

Likes The Taste Of Thirium: this is too obvious

Likes The Taste Of Thirium changed his nickname to Connor

Thinks Everyone Here Is Incredibly Stupid: that's disgusting

Goes Out For Karaoke On A Daily Basis: @Got Trapped In A Washing Machine For 6 Hours is Simon

Got Trapped In A Washing Machine For 6 Hours changed his nickname to Simon 

Thinks Everyone Here Is Incredibly Stupid: It's Luther and I am not ashamed

Simon: we're not stupid how dare you

Punched Connor Once: I'm so sorry about that Connor

Connor: It's fine..... Josh.

Punched Connor Once: I hate you

Punched Connor Once changed his nickname to Josh

Thinks Everyone Here Is Incredibly Stupid changed his nickname to Luther

Ingested 13 Bottles Of Toothpaste On A Dare: wait wHAT

Simon: so we've got Kara, Nines, Markus and Lucy

Connor: I'm gonna take a stab at this and guess that @Secretly Gives A Shit About People is Nines?

Secretly Gives A Shit About People changed his nickname to Nines

Nines: Yes.

Ingested 13 Bottles Of Toothpaste On A Dare: this is kara lol

Ingested 13 Bottles Of Toothpaste On A Dare changed her nickname to kara uwu

Goes Out For Karaoke On A Daily Basis: why would you do that

kara uwu: i smelled minty fresh sO—

Lies About Predictions To Mess With People: there's really no point in hiding who I am lol it's Lucy

Connor: and that means @Goes Out For Karaoke On A Daily Basis is Markus

Goes Out For Karaoke On A Daily Basis: fuck

Simon: and you never once invited me?

The_Psycho_Sent_By_CyberLife has joined the chat

The_Psycho_Sent_By_CyberLife changed her own name to oops I did it again

Simon: this bitch again?

oops I did it again: I'm responsible for the very creation of this world you're gonna wanna watch how you talk to me

oops I did it again: Happy new year to all of you... and to the people watching beyond the fourth wall :)

Markus: what the fUCK

Connor: Happy New Year I guess

Lucy: The chat's been super laggy... what's g oing ob?

Lucy: Siht

Lucy: *Ahit

North :): Yeah, it's acign up erwlaly barly

oops I did it again: yeah uh I was messing with the chat and shit happened

kara uwu: I can't scroll up? Wtf is going on

oops I did it again: well I was screwing around with the settings and I fucked up the chat beyond repair so uhhhh it's not gonna work properly

Simon: so... we can't use the chat?

oops I did it again: afraid not.. just make a new one

Markus: New year, new chat?

oops I did it again: start the countdown :) sorry about all this

Kara: 1

Luther: 2

Connor: 3

Markus: 4

Simon: 5

North: 6

Lucy: 7

Nines: 8

oops I did it again: 9

oops I did it again: 10

oops I did it again has removed Connor and 7 others

oops I did it again has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of an era. But fear not! Just like the title says, there's a new world coming (this one's coming to an end). The sequel will be out soon. Happy New Year, and thanks for sticking with this shitshow of a fic!


End file.
